Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
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Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower