I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
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Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Good news
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.