Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
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her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”