when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
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“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
“No way.” -Jose
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.