Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Found my door mat
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it