My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
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The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices