My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
You Might Also Like
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.