5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
You Might Also Like
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Taliband
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.