I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
You Might Also Like
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I just tested negative for patience.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics