[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber