Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
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Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips