4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
You Might Also Like
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.