SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
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i did the math
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Message from the dog groomers
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
That was easy.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.