I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
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*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”