when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
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realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
*puts cutlery down*
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐