I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
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***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
But that’s none of my business
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left