Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
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I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner