I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
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girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.