I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
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Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Everyone’s family