Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
You Might Also Like
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.