Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
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“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
guys I’m going home
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.