I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
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Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
TODAY
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
never ask a starfish for directions