“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
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Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.