GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
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People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Who chose this font
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you