Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
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Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck