was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
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I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
That 👊
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Put the is in disheveled
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.