Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
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Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.