*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
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First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Catercrombie & Fish
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
can you read it!!??
maan!
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you