Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
The only equipped I am is ill.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.