Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Pikachu found the lost joint
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.