holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
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[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards