Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
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*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?