Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
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*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?