My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Sell your car
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed