You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL