You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
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In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
A Short Story.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Bootstraps