I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
happy friday
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Feels like the fourth month in January
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.