My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
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BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Hell yeah 👍
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.