My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
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ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Pickled cat.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve