Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
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Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.