MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
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Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap