*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
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awesome draft from months ago i just found
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.