ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
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I didn’t realize that was an option
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
what?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Living the best life.. 😊
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.