Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
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You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.