If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Ironic
こいつ天才
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday