COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
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Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My patience has stretch marks.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.