17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
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So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
*praying for world peace*
God:
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]