How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
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I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe