Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives