My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
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Crying is a sign of leakness.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
That’s enough internet for the day
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.